Romance

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Romance

Over a month ago I had wanted to type in my thoughts about romance, but there was so much context required that it ended up being the last of a five part series discussing service, consciousness, joy, and surrender. Pretty long digression, but romance is a complex topic (at least for us humans who are in the middle of it).

However, within that context I can start off talking about the mechanistic nature of romance. Several years ago, researchers were studying an unusual species of prairie dog which is monogamous (most prairie dogs are not). What they found was that when those prairie dogs have intercourse, enzymes are released in their brains which causes changes in their behavior. The researchers found that the enzymes alone without intercourse caused the same behavior change and intercourse when the enzymes were blocked did not cause the behavior changes.

Now these same experiments can not be conducted on humans (that would be considered inhumane for very good reasons) and we, as humans, like to imagine that we are above such pavlovian responses. However, the reality is that people's feelings and behaviors are deeply impacted by romance and it is unrealistic to imagine that enzymes have nothing to do with it.

When I try to understand how my feelings and my behavior and the behavior of others is changed by romance and, especially, physical intimacy, it seems that both men an women become both more protective and possessive of their partners in these situations. Of course men and women express their protectiveness and possessiveness in their own distinct ways, but the direction seems to be the same. It is ironic that neither of these feelings lead directly to monogamy. The combination can lead to monogamy only because there is a common expectation of possessiveness (that my romantic partner would be hurt if I acted on my desires for others) and so the desire to protect my partner can lead to my own fidelity. Sadly, there is the potential out in that I might imagine that I could be unfaithful and not harm my partner if she never finds out. The reality is that when the possessiveness and protectiveness of external partners is added in, the only likely outcome is that all parties will be hurt, but in the rush of romantic desire we often don't see the truth of this.

That brings us directly to the other aspect of romantic relationships which is that early on the hormones make us crazy. We get insanely happy when things go well and equally depressed if things go poorly. For those outside the highs and lows of romantic passion the insanity of it can only seem horrifying (who would ever choose to be insane), but we are also irresistably drawn to it. It is no wonder that so many people see the passions of romance as the anathema to spiritual development.

Another thing about romance is that there doesn't seem to be any choice about it. While I may decide that I do or do not want to be attracted to a particular person, that doesn't make the slightest difference. I really have no control over who I am attracted to and I have found that trying to make a romantic relationship work just because it is convenient or what I imagine I want in a relationship, does not ever produce that spark or magic which is the essence of a romantic relationship. In the end, forced romantic relationships are not satisfying and, inevitably, frustrating when I meet someone else who I am uncontrollably attracted to.1

While this may seem ever so frustrating as romance is such a big factor in our lives, it is actually a wonderful blessing. Spiritual development is really about learning the lessons in our life as it is which certainly includes romantic relationships. Indeed it is often romantic relationships which take us out of our comfort zones and allow us to realy face major challenges and grow as we need to. Obviously it is romantic relationships and the way they make us crazy that causes many people to have children (which is not really a rational choice) and children are wonderful at teaching us what we need to learn, how to endure the things that make us crazy but remaining loving and supportive all the same.

For me, the greatest lessons I have learned in my life have been driven by romance. It is the craziness of romance that gets me to do things which I never would have done were I just rationally seeking comfort. What I try to remember is that it is the lessons which are important and not how the particular romance turns out. There is such a longing to be in a lasting romantic relationship, but that is not always the kind of relationship that teaches us the most.

What I try to do is be thankful for what I have and wish for others that they get the sort of relationship that is most beneficial to them. If you happen to be blessed with a satisfying and healthy long term romantic relationship, then you should treasure it and be sure (as you certainly know) that there are ample challenges and opportunities to grow in such a relationship.

If, however, you happen to have a series of intense but somewhat short lived romantic relationships, then that is a blessing too. We (as I seem to be in that group) get to learn many very intense lessons. If the relationships turn out badly (with not much growth) and be pretty much the same, then you might consider trying to learn the lessons you need to from that style of relationship so that you can move on to the next lessons. However, there is nothing wrong with having a series romantic relationships if they are healthy and allow both parties to grow.

I found that in my first years of romantic relationships I was often disatisfied and would generally end the relationship as I was looking for something better. However, I would not recommend that and have found that in the last several years I am happier to just work on the relationship and try to make it as good as it can be. For me, I have reached the place where the only reason to end a romantic relationship is if it is the best thing for my partner. For me that has been because she wants out of the relationship, but I could imagine cases where it would help my partner grow more outside of the relationship; those cases seem unlikely and haven't happened to me but they could happen. There also might be cases where I have to leave a relationship for my own preservation, but those are also unlikely and haven't happened to me.

None of that suggests how to deal with the protective and possessive feelings that romance brings up. The protectiveness is pretty straightforward as there are no intrinsic conflicts between dharma and life of service and being protective of my romantic partner. I try to be helpful and protective of all people and, as appropriate, give preference to my family members and that includes long term romanctic partners.

Giving the faithfulness and loyalty which is expected in a romantic relationship (indeed that may be the hallmark of a romantic relationship) is also quite straightforward. As I have grown more experienced, I have increasingly avoided allowing relationships to drift into romantic physical intimacy. I don't do that out of any high morals, but because I don't want to deal with the messy feelings of being protective and possessive of a person who I am not interested in developing a long term relationship with. My libido certainly has in interest in many potential partners, but I have found that there is no such thing as casual sex and the messy emotional ties that develop are just too much bother.

Once there is romantic physical intimacy there is a natural expectation of commitment and fidelity (the result of protectiveness and possesiveness) and if I am not able to commit to the relationship, then I will end up hurting my partner (she wants more and I can't give it). That creates a conflict for me as I want to protect her (not hurt her), but can't. For me it is far better to avoid such relationships unless I am interested in commiting to the relationship.

So, given that I only allow romantic physical intimacy in those cases where I am interested in developing a long term relationship, then to be faithful in such a relationship is no problem at all. Being protective and possesive of two romantic partners simultaneously is so hugely difficult (with conflicts of time and energy if not other things as well), that I avoid any second romantic relationship until the first one is resolved just out of a sense of self preservation. Being faithful is no sacrifice at all and is just one of the gifts I am happy to give to my partner, an indication of my commitment to making the relationship work.

The possessiveness of romantic relationships is not so simply dealt with. It is very deep rooted and completely irrational. For example, if my partner needs to go on a business trip for a week, why should I care if she finds sexual release and pleasure when we can not be together (assuming she takes appropriate precautions and there is no risk of pregnancy or disease). Shouldn't I want her to be happy and fulfilled and I lose nothing under those circumstances. However, I am not really able to have that level of generosity and love. I imagine that I would be deeply hurt under those circumstances. Of coure, I have not really had to face that. In general by the time either party feels the inclination to be unfaithful, the relationship is in serious trouble and the underlying problems are what needs to be dealt with, being unfaithful is generally a sympton rather than the underlying problem.

Within a long term commited relationship, the feelings of protectiveness and possessiveness can be a helpful addition to the relationship, providing a foundation of love, fidelity, and shared pleasure and joy. Further, romantic relationships can bring out a depth of feeling that are not common in other relationships. The depth of these feelings can be most helpful; in my experience it is not the clarity of thoughts which make prayers effective are the depth and purity of the feelings (the thoughts seem to be almost irrelevant) and there is nothing like romance to bring out strong feelings.

I think the key thing to remember is that our romantic experiences are very much in the hands of God (or the universe or consciousness if you prefer). Whatever they happen to be, they are not our rational choices, but rather those which bring the most growth and long term satisfaction for everyone (that is probably what brings them about). So, my own conclusion is that romantic relationships should be neither avoided (as some on a spiritual path are inclined) nor sought (as those still enthralled by the illusion of a separate existance are inclined). Whatever happens it can be sure to the best for all parties and we need only do what is right at the time and leave the rest to God.

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1 There do seem to be certain mechanistic factors in who we are attracted to such as someone who looks similar to us (or our close family members which is often the same things) but who smells different (in particular the antibodies detectable in sweat).


This page was last updated on June 10, 2007